pregnant with JOY!

soooo, recently i became aware of this subtle dangerous 'thing' ... i often will picture in my mind being pregnant. and when i do i see me beaming and radiant. 

 this 'climax' of joy. 

{not that i thought a child would 'fix' anything, wasn't an unhealthy thinking that life won't begin until i'm pregnant, but

a healthy, of our Lord desire} 

now, i know my joy would still be founded in Christ-as He is our source of joy -that NEVER changes, and i would know -more now than ever- that that babe is His doing. no less. 

yet somehow it was a subtle shift to even think that being pregnant would be the climax of my joy. that 'then' i would be so joyful and just exuberant.

i realized this, thank you Lord, and confessed it to my Lord and asked that He would help me to guard against any inkling of that faulty thinking and have that joy NOW! because i do have that joy now! 

well, a week ago friday i tested again and it was negative.

after the husbend went to work and i was sitting on the couch to do my bible study, there was this involuntary smile and tears streaming down my face as i realized that i was experiencing the climax of joy! 

i have it NOW!!!

  the world probably would've thought by my 'show of emotion' that i was pregnant. i mean why else would i be joyfull {spelling liberties all mine}! 
it was powerful and tangible and truly indescribable. 

i bowed before my Lord. 

no {more} living in the future.  my desire remains and i so appreciate that i can go to my Lord with that desire.  I DO have a husbend. a marriage. and that is something i wanted for so long!  i am focusing on my marriage/husbend.  on the present, not denying the desire, yet not looking to it for anything. guarding against looking to it for anything that i am only to be looking to my Lord for. guarding against satan's oldest trick in the book, to get us to look/focus on the one thing we don't have and thus missing all we do have.  

REJOICE with me !!!
as i get to the 'doing' our Lord has for me TODAY!
so.much.