i was (so very) wrong

I was wrong.

Back when Jeremiah first got this job, I so thought this would be the perfect arrangement. And [as our Lord has shown me] for all the wrong reasons.

I was struggling so with being a wife. Marriage truly is a mirror and I was seeing [myself] CLEARLY and I did not like what I was seeing. Worse yet, I felt like I was out of control (with my criticalness).

I honestly thought that Jeremiah being away for 8 days at a time would mean 8 days less I would/could screw up.

Seriously.

Well, fast forward 6+ months and you have me freely admiring I was WRONG.

A lot of it I cannot put into words, what our Lord has shown me these past months. What He has revealed to me about my heart/mind. I now strongly believe that being apart more than you are together is not conducive to building a marriage. I truly feel like I live two lives; more of a singleton when he is gone and then wifely when he is here. 

 Now don't misunderstand what I am saying. 

I know I am still married, yet when he is gone my life very much resembles my life before marriage; Living alone.

I will share with you that this distance has taken it's toll on us. I know to some extent that I have distanced myself from him to make it through. I believe we will have some adjusting and work to do once this job is no more, for me to know that he will be here and not be leaving again.

Some major learning as to what it means to be husbend and wife day in and day out.

I prayed for this job. Our Lord gave it to us. And I have seen the wrongness of my ways.

Now I am/we are FERVERNTLY praying and seeking another job.

In the meantime, that I would embrace, enjoy and sit in being married. Not looking to the next thing.