i was (so very) wrong

I was wrong.

Back when Jeremiah first got this job, I so thought this would be the perfect arrangement. And [as our Lord has shown me] for all the wrong reasons.

I was struggling so with being a wife. Marriage truly is a mirror and I was seeing [myself] CLEARLY and I did not like what I was seeing. Worse yet, I felt like I was out of control (with my criticalness).

I honestly thought that Jeremiah being away for 8 days at a time would mean 8 days less I would/could screw up.

Seriously.

Well, fast forward 6+ months and you have me freely admiring I was WRONG.

A lot of it I cannot put into words, what our Lord has shown me these past months. What He has revealed to me about my heart/mind. I now strongly believe that being apart more than you are together is not conducive to building a marriage. I truly feel like I live two lives; more of a singleton when he is gone and then wifely when he is here. 

 Now don't misunderstand what I am saying. 

I know I am still married, yet when he is gone my life very much resembles my life before marriage; Living alone.

I will share with you that this distance has taken it's toll on us. I know to some extent that I have distanced myself from him to make it through. I believe we will have some adjusting and work to do once this job is no more, for me to know that he will be here and not be leaving again.

Some major learning as to what it means to be husbend and wife day in and day out.

I prayed for this job. Our Lord gave it to us. And I have seen the wrongness of my ways.

Now I am/we are FERVERNTLY praying and seeking another job.

In the meantime, that I would embrace, enjoy and sit in being married. Not looking to the next thing.

update

so, i am convinced that no one reads this blog... i felt so bad about putting the blog address on our contact cards at the wedding -that people were coming here to check up on us and there be nothing to read...

..... i'm laughing right now

i enjoy it regardless

so, an update. one of us, the husbend, is employed!

he is working as staff at a youth wilderness camp that is actually based out of  UT, yet the camp is in CO. sooo, he is gone 8 days with no ( i mean NO, NADA, ZILCH) contact as he is out of phone range and cell phones aren't allowed for the staff or students while camping. so gone for 8 days then home for 6.

it's day 3 right now. i wholeheartdly support this. we wouldn't be doing it other wise.

this arrangement works for now. i believe it is for a season. that season being a few years at least.

i see God in it

i miss my beloved. strange not having him around.

the Lord is filling up my time though- so that is just stinkin' awesome! (more about that later)

so, yay! we are very blessed.

still appreciate your prayers for my employment. our Lord seems to keep giving me just enough manna to hold on, continue to wait on this job with Hospice.

if anyone is out there reading this - we (i) would love to hear from you :)