2 as 1

noticed the title changed from "3 as 1: A Habecker Life" to "2 as 1: A Habecker life"  ?

well, it's simple really and reflective of where i/we are right now.

Jer first came up with the original title. the "3 as 1" was a shout out to Jer, myself and our Lord coming together in marriage. {what does it mean "3 as 1"? simply put, it is a description of our marriage. luann, God and i. luann and i are one flesh with God as our head, just as Christ is married to the church under the power of the Father. we are 3, yet we are 1.}

well, 2+ years later and i am finding that marriage is to be two lives coming together trying to be one.

I had always heard the 'one' reference. Looked forward to the 'one flesh' part. :wink:

Yet didn't really grasp that it would be 2 people learning OUR way.

not

'my' 

or 'your' way

but OUR way.

I also didn't expect it to be the struggle is has been for me. 

so, i changed the title to better reflect this.

there are so many parallel's. not the least of which is my own conforming of myself to Christ.

 

seriously

somethings weighing heavily on my heart. 

a need. a lacking.

i'm talking about newly married women here. 

yes newly married couples, yet i am a woman so i am most aware of my 'wifely' experiences. 

i think there should be a support group. a ministry in the church.
koinonia mentorship specifically between 

a woman who's been married for longer coming alongside a newly engaged/married woman.

one that purposes to reach out to a woman BEFORE she get's married, during the engagement season.

a relationship that would involve authenticity. transparency. honesty. accountability. depth.

freedom to share what we are feeling, struggling with. a listening ear.
no pat responses.

i can not even begin to count how many times i hear or read about women sharing that the first year of marriage was the hardest, worst, most difficult. and how alone in it all they felt.

i am the gurl who wanted nothing more than to be a wife! spent years preparing. 

would yell at the tv shows that belittle men. 

where the wife would treat him so horribly and say how i would never be like that!

i really believe[ed] i was to be a wife.

a year and some months later, i am still sorting through all these conflicting feelings and struggles. disappointment over feeling like this. that being a wife didn't come as easily to me as i thought it would/should.

and i would hazard a guess that men need the same thing. perhaps in a different way, yet the same. 

why people leave the newly married couple alone is beyond me. 

yeah, don't call them on their honeymoon but come on! nothing for months afterwards?! 

seek them out! check in with them! ask them how they are doing! 

i don't know exactly how this looks, yet our Lord has revealed so much to me through this year. 

seeing this need, i want to do something about this.

we need to do something about this.

i was (so very) wrong

I was wrong.

Back when Jeremiah first got this job, I so thought this would be the perfect arrangement. And [as our Lord has shown me] for all the wrong reasons.

I was struggling so with being a wife. Marriage truly is a mirror and I was seeing [myself] CLEARLY and I did not like what I was seeing. Worse yet, I felt like I was out of control (with my criticalness).

I honestly thought that Jeremiah being away for 8 days at a time would mean 8 days less I would/could screw up.

Seriously.

Well, fast forward 6+ months and you have me freely admiring I was WRONG.

A lot of it I cannot put into words, what our Lord has shown me these past months. What He has revealed to me about my heart/mind. I now strongly believe that being apart more than you are together is not conducive to building a marriage. I truly feel like I live two lives; more of a singleton when he is gone and then wifely when he is here. 

 Now don't misunderstand what I am saying. 

I know I am still married, yet when he is gone my life very much resembles my life before marriage; Living alone.

I will share with you that this distance has taken it's toll on us. I know to some extent that I have distanced myself from him to make it through. I believe we will have some adjusting and work to do once this job is no more, for me to know that he will be here and not be leaving again.

Some major learning as to what it means to be husbend and wife day in and day out.

I prayed for this job. Our Lord gave it to us. And I have seen the wrongness of my ways.

Now I am/we are FERVERNTLY praying and seeking another job.

In the meantime, that I would embrace, enjoy and sit in being married. Not looking to the next thing.